the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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