i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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