Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
