my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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