so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize