tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
