watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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