I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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