I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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