I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
