There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
