Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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