kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
