theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
