oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
