i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
