I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
