today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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