He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We just shotgunned beers for America
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
