My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
