Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
