So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
