He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
