I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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