Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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