She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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