I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
