party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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