So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
