farters have to be the big spoon...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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