I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
