the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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