You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
They are going to name an STD after you.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
