All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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