I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
