I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize