i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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