I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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