it was like his penis was on wheels.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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