Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
