You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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