my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Boobs speak an international language.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
