Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
