dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
im having a threesome with these popsicles
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
