did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
