Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
