Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
