Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
