Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
