You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
