When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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