she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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