Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
