I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
