All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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