I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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