her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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