She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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