If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize